For as long as I can remember, I’ve tried to help people. It makes me feel useful. It makes me glad that I learned the skills that someone else needs right now. I (infrequently) receive emails from strangers all over the world asking for my advice/help/view on something, and even though I sometimes can’t offer them anything, I’m glad they ask and will always answer.
In doing so, however, I noticed many people didn’t want to receive help ;) At least, that’s what I thought. As early as the start of high school, I’d hear people say “It’s so cool you can play the guitar, I want to learn how to play too!”, and I’d offer to teach them, and … they were never interested. They’d politely decline with some terrible excuse, then try to avoid the topic altogether whenever I was near. As if they were running from kindness and help.
It took several instances of this happening before I realized the truth. They weren’t mad that I offered help. It wasn’t necessarily that they didn’t want help, or a solution to their problem, or were arrogant.
The issue? They didn’t actually state their problem. They didn’t want to learn the guitar—which is the specific thing they mentioned—but rather just wanted to “be cool”. Especially young boys believe that “cool skills” like that are sure to attract a girlfriend. Their actual “problem” was wanting to find a girlfriend or be liked by someone, for which they had already dreamed up a million solutions. Learning to play the guitar was just one solution, and the one relevant to the situation, so they mentioned that.
The XY Problem
I’ve come to know this as “the XY problem”.
- Someone has a problem X.
- They think about possible solutions and settle on solution Y.
- They visit someone else and ask “how do I achieve Y?”
- People offer ways to do it, they try to help, they might even do some of the work … but the person shoots it all down and doesn’t like any of it.
- Annoyed and confused, all the helpers give up.
- Until someone asks: “What are you actually trying to achieve?” It’s revealed that someone actually wants to solve problem X, and that solution Y was just a wrong guess that sent everyone going down the wrong path.
Maybe you think this is an unfortunate but rare occurrence. We surely like to think of ourselves as being very smart and great at communication.
But honestly, this is like 90% of communication. Almost everyone is creating XY problems all the time.
For example,
- PROBLEM: I have a sore, dry throat.
- SOLUTION: Some refreshing mint drink would be nice.
- I notice someone else (family/friend/coworker) heading out to the grocery store, so I ask “Could you also buy product A for me?”
- They are confused as to why I request such a specific thing. They might ask questions right then and there, or shrug and simply buy the thing for me.
- They return with some other sugary drink, saying “The one you wanted was sold out. But you really like this one too, right?”
- END RESULT: We have spent money on something useless, and I still have a sore throat :p
- (Even worse when that person reveals they had a bag of cough drops in their pocket all along and I could’ve just asked for a few.)
As you see, the problem is that we’re not actually stating our problem. We already think ahead and only state our invented solution.
In some cases this is fine, of course. No need to bother everyone with details. Perhaps the solution you imagined is actually a good one, so you (or others) can just execute it and all is good. For example, we say “I’m going to the toilet”, instead of “Hey everyone, I have a problem: I need to pee. What solutions do you all propose?”
In most cases, however, we discover that we’re very much imperfect and can’t predict the future. Problem solving often takes some iterations or some changing of perspectives. And so most communication breaks down because of the XY problem.
Let me give another example,
- PROBLEM: My computer doesn’t want to boot.
- SOLUTION: My power cable is damaged and weirdly bent. Hmm, maybe it’s broken, and I should get a new one.
- I meet someone else (in the room next to me, at work, whatever) and say “My power cable is broken, do you have another one?”
- We might spend a while searching for one, or repairing my broken cable, or we might even buy a new one in the end.
- Because I only stated my solution, the other person has no clue that it might not be the actual problem, and they have no reason to “double check”.
- It takes a while before they plug my cable into something else and discover the cable is fine.
- END RESULT: We wasted a lot of time/effort/money on the cable theory, and my computer still doesn’t boot.
- (Even worse when I finally reveal the actual problem to the other person, and they instantly notice that it’s actually my extension cord that I forgot to plug into the wall :p Or something silly like that.)
I could give hundreds of examples like this. Common conversations and (tiny) problems to solve, but we make it needlessly difficult for ourselves by communicating badly. We want to solve problem X, but we only communicate our invented solution Y to others.
How Do We Solve This?
Now you might wonder “How do we solve this?” and “Why are you writing an article about this?”
That first question is easy to answer.
- Whenever someone asks for help, or wants some very specific thing, simply take a step back and ask why they want that. Ask what problem they think their solution solves.
- Whenever you have a problem, be mindful of communicating to others your actual intention instead of just your one specific solution.
This takes practice. I’ve always said that good communication is a crucial but learned skill. If you believe someone has a “talent” for communication or collaboration, you might want to look again and notice they’re doing these kinds of things right. Getting to the why. Getting to the deeper level of what someone is saying, instead of only giving superficial, direct responses to everything.
This works great in calm situations where you’re just chatting or problem solving. It works even better in tense situations, maybe a major disagreement or a fight that broke out. It’s all too easy to become reactive then. To hurl the first idea that comes to mind at the other, who then focuses on that specific thing you said and reacts to that, and so forth. While, in actuality, that disagreement should be you and them against the problem. And you can defuse it and put yourselves on the right track again by repeatedly circling back to the question “What problem are we trying to solve and why?”
And that … answers the second question.
This XY problem isn’t just some rare issue with “helping” or “giving advice”. It’s everywhere. Every time you communicate. Be it work, be it flirting, be it giving instructions.
I don’t know why we do it. Is it a bad habit we learn? Is it fear of looking vulnerable? Is it our brain that tries to be too smart and think ahead too much, even though it’s not that smart? But the fact is that most humans will see a problem, immediately come up with a solution, and then forget all about the problem and hyperfocus on that solution.
It’s the thing they tell others. It’s the question they post on online forums, like Reddit. Nobody posts “I feel like my books aren’t good enough. Any tips?”, because everyone would just respond with “that’s too vague, ask a specific question, put in effort first”. If someone enters a room all mad, and someone asks “what’s wrong?”, nobody calmly says “My specific problem is that I find it hard to be productive today, what solutions do you see?”. We’d rather latch onto some specific thing like “I need a better computer!” or “You’re making too much noise, I can’t concentrate!”
People are more likely to post how much they hate themselves (in reality, they just need a solution to a specific problem that’s annoying them right now). Or asking how to achieve some incredibly weird and specific formatting for their Word manuscript (in reality, their problem is that they shouldn’t be using Word at all for that). Or asking how to make a character in their video game jump when you press a combination of three obscure keyboard keys (in reality, their problem is that they should not have already assigned all other buttons to less important actions). Or asking what healthier alternative to crisps they can buy (in reality, their entire diet is an issue and a slightly healthier alternative will do nothing but give a false sense of improvement).
These are just some examples from recent things I heard/read both online and offline. I believe that, after my explanation and examples, you’ll easily remember a few of these too from your own recent experiences.
Why This Article?
We could reduce miscommunication by 90%. (That’s obviously just a wild guess, but you get my point.) We could reach the best solution to any problem much faster, and not waste time, effort and money on the wrong things. We could remove all fights and disagreements, because reframing every problem as “we’re fighting this problem together” defuses all that and brings progress.
If only people knew about the XY problem and learned to recognize it. And that’s why I wrote this article.
The next time you ask for help, please keep this in mind. Sure, ask for how to achieve your specific solution (“how do I code X in programming language Y?”), but give context. Just a few extra sentences that explain what general problem you hope that will solve. At least 2/3 of the time, people latch onto that context and say “wait, it’s better to solve your problem with solution Z instead, believe me” What might feel like an afterthought or “obvious explanation” to you, is usually far more important than getting the answers to your solution. So tell people the overall picture. Tell them the problem you hope to solve.
And if others come to you, ask about this. It’s just a simple question: “What problem are you trying to solve with this solution Y?” (And if the other person is the kind that gets defensive and easily offended, first of all I’m sorry for you, second of all preface this question with something like “I’ll gladly help with your solution, but I can help more easily if I know the context/reason/background.”)
And whenever you get into a (severe) disagreement with someone, don’t fall prey to instinctual reactiveness. Don’t focus on the specific things the other person is saying and be offended by that, or say some insult in direct response, or whatever. Just stay calm and ask “Remember the problem we’re trying to solve is X. What solution do you propose and why?”
So many times I’ve found myself in these mystifying situations. The ones where you suddenly realize the ridiculous things people are yelling at each other—and wonder how you ended up there. Perhaps someone is angry and says “You always do this! You always sit around while I do all the work!” And why? The entire argument started with the problem that someone forgot to take out the garbage, and now … now it’s come to quotes like this?
Now you know what to do. Just say “The problem is that it was your turn to take out the garbage, and you didn’t. How are we going to make sure this doesn’t happen again?”
Yes, yes, it sounds a bit cheesy like that. Use your own phrasing. Use whatever defuses a situation and resonates the most with the other person. But believe me, this works.
Whenever my hyperactive brain is overwhelmed by the details and specific things people are saying, I just stay silent for a few seconds and ask “Remind me again what specific problem you wanted solved.” Or I simply state the problem myself, to the best of my understanding, and they can correct me if I’m wrong. Often, they can barely even say it anymore, it’s been so long since they actually thought about the problem instead of their one solution to it. After some thought, maybe some coaxing by me, we can usually get to a precise problem description. And then … we can actually think about solving it.
It took me years to realize this. And then it took me years to actively change my habits and communicate like this.
Conclusion
I must admit that this is more of a “natural inclination” for hyperactive people like me. We are genetically obsessed, somehow, with finding the why to everything. With finding the deepest, most core explanation for something. For getting to the root of things.
But this is not one of the cases where you can say “oh well, everyone communicates differently!” It’s one of those cases where I believe everyone will benefit from this behavior. And hyperactive people simply are more inclined to do it naturally.
So, in short, to massively improve your communicative and problem solving skills,
- When asking for help or explaining something, explain the problem and the why, not just your own assumptions or final invented solution.
- When someone else tries to communicate with you (but it’s not going swimmingly …), help them out by asking them about the why and the problem.
- Notice it whenever people are just reacting to specific words and details (“you versus me”), instead of actually offering solutions to a problem (“you and me versus the problem”). If so, stay calm, and direct everyone back to the problem, not the weird non-solutions you somehow drifted towards over time.
- Remember all this by remembering “The XY Problem”. (I saved this link as a reference at some point, but there are certainly many other places that explain this very well and much better than I did.)
Let’s all go forth and eliminate miscommunication forever! Hurray!
Tiamo