Life Tip: Lose Control

This article is not writing advice or an announcement, but a more personal piece about a philosophy of mine. I’ll try to keep it short and to the point. Matters of the heart, however, tend to grow longer and more rousing than my usual articles.

The title says it all: everyone should stop trying to control everything.

I’ve unfortunately experienced many events that broke me. Some very personal and close to me, some just general events from around the world that arrive on my screen or newspaper.

I see parents working so hard … to control the lives of their children, ruining them in the process.

I see kids being forced into an educational system … that was literally designed for control and obedience, and it shows in every way.

I see people spending endless energy and time … on trying to control what can’t be controlled, or what is way too unimportant to be controlled.

I see wars being fought, thousands dead and families torn apart … by people who have literally everything they could ever want. But they wanted one thing more: control.

It all comes down to control. Almost every bad thing you could do, or have done to you, comes down to someone who convinced themselves control was needed. It usually isn’t.

What to do about it?

So the advice of this article is stupidly simple: let things be.

Let life be what it is. Let the wind blow you to wherever it wants. Let bad things happen and just continue with life.

Yeah, you can do that! Unbelievable, isn’t it?

You can just let someone say mean things about you or to your face, and just ignore it and move on. You can let your glass fall down, shattering it, and not get grumpy about it (or the clean-up afterwards). You can accept that you can’t change the weather and go with the flow. (Seriously, the number of people who try to somehow precisely predict the weather and let a few drops of rain control their entire lives …)

Recently I came across the term “Amor Fati” (from past philosophers): Love Fate. It’s just another way to put it. Learn to love the curveballs life throws at you every day, instead of trying to control it.

Many artists, mostly those who are just starting out, grow envious of those who are successful and can do it as their full-time job. They start to hate and work against their current circumstances, trying to control every part of life to become successful as quickly as possible!

And then you ask the best-selling authors, and they usually say the same: I wish I could go back to just being a small author, just writing a book in my attic that nobody was waiting for, having another job during the day for some nice variation.

Just get up each day and do shit. It works? Great. It doesn’t work? Also fine. Try again. Do something else.

You wanted to exercise but it’s raining outside? Who cares! Just do it anyway! Love the rain for what it is, just like many love the sun for what it is. (Rain usually provides a much nicer temperature for heavy exercise and it improves breathing, for example.)

Your kid interrupts you while working? Just go with the flow, give them your full attention, then go back to work later. It makes them much happier and probably gives you a nice break or opportunity to get fresh inspiration.

You don’t want people around you to offend you, or you don’t want to offend people yourself? Stop that! You’re trying to control stuff that doesn’t need or want to be controlled.

You’re swallowing a hundred pills each day, checking yourself in the mirror all the time, trying to perfect your look? Stop that! You’re trying to control stuff. Let your body be what it is. Get up every day, move around, do stuff, and you’ll look fine.

You spend so much energy every day keeping things extremely clean and tidy? Stop that! Studies have repeatedly shown this is actually much worse for your immune system (especially for kids), mobility and creativity. The random restrictions of real life are exactly what spark creativity and what force your body to move differently every day.

And that’s perfectly logical, because we evolved to live in unpredictable nature. You can control hygiene and cleanliness to some extent, of course, but the extent to which some many humans do it is way overblown and just not necessary.

You end up in a situation where you are poor, only have a barely functioning computer, and must move around all the time? Just go with the flow and make it work. Like, for example, start writing books about video games and making board games instead. Hey, that sounds a little like what I’ve been doing for a while now …

A personal example

I could’ve been frustrated. I could’ve stopped doing anything. I could have tried to control a situation that’s almost completely out of my control, wasting my money and mental energy on that.

You know, get into debt to buy a new computer that does work. Get angry at my parents all the time for creating this situation, perhaps demanding they fix it or whatever. Or do the thing that society and friends will always tell you to do: fall in line, follow the curriculum and the structure, go do that job you hate because it is safe and it will give you control over life.

Instead, I barely feel frustration or anger about any of it. And I’ve just written 50+ books and created 50+ board games in a short period. This is my ocean of life at the moment, so I freely swim along the waves.

Sure, you might think, this sounds as if it’s all sunshine and unicorns. But surely we need to control certain parts of life? Surely you also need money to survive, and a roof over your head, and so forth?

Yes, of course, some control is needed. I’ll get to that soon.

And no, it’s not all sunshine and unicorns. It’s not about that. It’s not that losing control will magically make you a happy, healthy, productive person for ever and ever—of course not! It’s not even the goal.

It’s about not controlling whether you’re happy or sad. It’s about things happening to you, things being what they are, and just making the best of it. Going with the flow.

Yes, I truly believe people trying to “always be happy” or “always be fit” are also too controlling and going about it the wrong way. We are very inconsistent physical beings. We can barely control anything and we were surely not made to always be the same or do the same.

Some days I get up and I can barely exercise for 30 minutes. Some days I feel like running for 2 hours. It’s all fine.

What losing control is NOT

When I mention this to people, their minds will usually equate these ideas with one of two things.

Passiveness

The first wrong assumption is passiveness. They think I advice you to be completely passive, never do anything, because surely “whatever the universe has in store for me” is it, right? No, of course not. As my examples hopefully showed, I am extremely active. More active than people trying to control anything, precisely because of that freedom I’ve created.

That’s why I prefer saying “make the best of whatever fate has in store for you”, instead of “go with the flow” or “let yourself be moved”.

Forcing yourself to always wear a jacket—that is control.

Looking outside just before jumping on your bike and feeling it’s quite cold, so you decide to wear your jacket—that is living without control and doing the best with the situation.

Forcing your kids to always be in bed by 9 PM—that is control.

Playing games with your kids and letting them go outside, so they might be tired by 9 PM and go to bed on their own—that is making the best without taking control. They might not go to bed, and that is fine. They’re not your property, they can decide for themselves. (More on this soon, I promise!)

Being a pushover

The second wrong assumption is being a pushover. No, no, absolutely not. Don’t be one. I’ve also seen too many instances of how being a pushover, letting people cross clear lines without response, leads to even more bad stuff. For everyone, but especially you.

There are two ideas here.

First, it’s the “without response” part. You can absolutely speak up or refuse something, that has nothing to do with taking control yourself. It’s refusing another person to take control of you. So, in fact, you should respond.

Second, it’s that idea about “crossing lines”. Many people will randomly decide they’re angry about something or that somebody else did something wrong. There is no consistency—one day teasing someone might be fine, the next day they suddenly mark it as bullying. This is horrible and only makes matters worse. This is not “standing up for yourself”.

No, as you grow older, you get a finer and finer sense of where the line is. For all situations, there is a threshold …

• Before it, you can just go with the flow. Somebody decided to get into your space, or interrupt you, or whatever—it’s fine, let it happen.
• After it, you 100% refuse them. Not 80%, not “maybe”, it’s no. Not “but it’s only the first time I did that!” or “we’re your parents!”, it’s fucking no.

Communicate the lines clearly, sharpen them as you age. Before people cross them, let go of all control. When someone crosses them, take control and refuse.

When control is needed

This is the first instance in which taking (some) degree of control is necessary. Unfortunately, others will try to control you, so you must set the lines and refuse them. Don’t be a pushover, be the opposite of passive.

In practice, however, these lines can be veeeery far back. There are many, many instances in which transgressions are minor or really just do not matter.

Similarly, There are many people who draw their lines way too deep into the sand on issues that have no priority. They often subconsciously do so because they want that control. They want so much control that they’ll basically try to dominate every situation and refuse anyone getting even remotely close to changing a part of their day.

The second instance where control is necessary, is when dealing with our complex society. There are many things in this modern life that are not natural. They basically can’t be learned or executed in any other way than by taking control of something.

For example, traffic rules. They are not natural. (In fact, judging by my regular cycling, many adults still have no clue about the rules!) If you don’t force your kids to somewhat understand them, they’ll be hit by a car soon.

Similarly, we have lost our natural access to resources and natural way of living. We need money to survive. Believe me, as a young boy I tried to teach myself “survival skills” and how to get away from money, and it was just a waste of time. The reality is that you need money, and you can only get it in so many ways. (And the second consequence is that others might have money and can therefore hurt you in a lot of ways)

You have to control your source of money to some extent. You have to control the security of your home to some extent. You have to control your knowledge of the law, and that of those close to you, to some extent. (No, it’s not a defence in court to just say “but I had no idea this was a law!”)

What I’m advocating in this entire article is not a complete lack of control. It’s letting go of all the unnecessary control. All the situations in which it is not needed, not important, not doing any good, and especially those where you try to control others. Be it human beings or animals, in my opinion.

And when you really try, you’ll find this means letting go of 99% of control for most humans.

We should start from a position of total freedom and make the best with whatever fate throws at you. From that simple starting point—really, this drains no energy and is the simplest way to live—we can start adding control wherever it’s clearly needed. We can set our priorities straight and cherry pick the things we want to tightly regulate or rule.

Instead, almost everyone starts from a position of searching control of themselves, the weather, the future, their kids, everything! And it’s a waste of time that only makes matters worse. If not in the short-term, then surely in the long-term.

But how will I accomplish X now!?

Finally, this is the big reason why most immediately dismiss the idea and cling onto their controlling ways. They have specific goals. They fear they won’t reach them if they don’t strictly follow the path they invented that would get them there.

And I get that, of course. Everyone has goals. Everyone wants some certainty, a safe home base, and you can get that by focusing on the things you can control.

It’s the reason behind many eating disorders, for example. They experience some destabilizing trauma in their lives, usually at a young age, so they focus on the one thing they are fully in control of: how much they eat and drink.

Just stop with the goals

But let me be controversial for the last time: Stop having rigid goals. (And if you’re really ready for it, stop having long-term goals.)

People even try to control their goals! Everything gets in the way, life points them in the other direction, they’re not even sure why they’re doing this anymore, but still they cling onto that one goal they set themselves 5 years ago. Consciously or not.

Your long-term goals should go with the flow too.

Our brains and bodies are really only capable of short-term goals. Many artists throughout history have stated that they basically treat each day as entirely new. They can set a goal for tomorrow and work to reach it, but it feels too hard or useless to think past that.

It’s similarly useless to worry about the future or past—just worry about today. Our minds are great at focusing on the now and the thing we’re doing right now. Everything else not so much.

In the end, all of us die. Everything we did, everyone who knows us, it’s done and forgotten in the blink of an eye. We have certainly forgotten once we’re six feet under.

And, most likely, the universe will also die in the end. (Even if a new universe is reborn from it, our current one and everything in it must die for that to happen.)

So what is the fucking point of having goals? Just get up each day, do things, live life, make the best of what appears in front of you, rinse and repeat until the light goes out.

Everything I’ve created the past years—and that is a lot—was done without any long-term plan or goal. All the years before that, I barely created anything because I was constantly worried about the future. Trying to control it, shape it. Forcing myself to live an incredibly structured life, sometimes asking the same of those around me, just to reach some goal I set for myself in 1 year or 5 years.

How will you get fit now? Get up and do lots of stuff every day. Your body was made to do that and it will reward you for it. I can confidently say I am very fit—I have no goals or structure at all to my fitness.

How will you get good at that skill? Get up and do it every day. Try, play, experiment, try again. It’s literally how our brains are wired to learn the fastest and have the most fun doing it. I can confidently say I’m a great piano player—I never actually had any goals related to piano playing.

The one who does, learns. The one who tries, makes progress. And at some point, without ever having a goal or following any fixed plan, you suddenly realize: “Woah, I am where I wanted to be.”

For some people, setting long-term goals seems to work. For many it doesn’t. Either way, learning to let go and have no long-term goals at all will work better, once you get through the initial stage of withdrawal.

It all stems from trust

Because there is one (final) thing that most people just can’t let go of. It’s the reason behind control, its twin if you want: lack of trust. You don’t trust things to work out, so you try to control them and force them to work out.

You don’t trust your kids, so you control them in the name of “parenting” or “upbringing”.

I’ll end on that final example, which I’ve brought up a few times now.

So many parents spend 18 years yelling at their kids. Constantly telling them what they must or mustn’t do. Controlling them, that’s what it is. Controlling what they eat, how they eat, how they speak, when they go to bed, how and how much they should study, the job they should aim for, how they dress. On and on and on. They even try to control their friends, or potential relationships, or the apartment where they’ll go and live once they literally leave their parents to live on their own.

And it’s all a waste of energy. It’s ruining all the time you had with your kids, time that should be sacred and loving, just to turn them into your little robots. Sure, good intentions, “we didn’t know better”, all of that.

These are not actual arguments, but explanations for why parents do/did it. Many confuse the two.

If you’ve read this, now you know better!

Parents do this because they think their life becomes easier when their kids are nice and controlled. When their behavior is predictable and just as it suits them. In reality, this short-term individual benefit is dwarfed by the long-term damage they did to themselves and their kids. It actually costs them a lot of energy to maintain this control, while the kid will just hate every second of it and rebel once they are finally out of the house.

Parents say their kids won’t sleep well if they don’t go to bed at the designated time. They just have to yell at them to go to bed.

Well … if that’s the case, wouldn’t your kid notice after a few days? Once your kid is sleep-deprived from staying up way too late, they have learned the value of a sleep schedule themselves. You never need to tell them anymore—they’ll work for it themselves.

Parents say their kids must work harder at school, study more, do their homework right now, or they’ll fail! Well … if they’re already failing if they don’t do these things, then there’s already a penalty right? Once your kid actually gets into trouble—which is unlikely, most kids pass—the threat of having to redo a year is already the incentive for kids to do better.

You don’t have to say anything. Schools don’t have to add any more rules. The educational system has already drawn their line in the sand. Any kid who comes close to crossing it, or actually cross it, learns the dangers of doing bad at school and will correct their behavior on their own.

Most things in life balance themselves. If you let people make mistakes, they will eventually realize that mistake and self-correct. This actually works. This is actually remembered, because they discovered the consequences themselves and struggled with it themselves. This is literally the entire basis of storytelling and why we have evolved to crave stories about struggling protagonists making mistakes.

If they don’t self-correct, no amount of controlling from your side would have made a difference. (Telling kids they must do something is the way to make sure they vow to never do it. In fact, that’s just true for humans in general.) If a drunken car accident doesn’t do anything to change your kid’s behavior, then yelling at them or being grumpy with them will definitely not.

And if a parent knows this, and still controls their kids’ lives, then it’s just a clear statement: “I do not trust my kids to have any intelligence or willpower. In fact, I think my kids are so dumb and weak that I need to decide everything for them. And so I need control.”

Please, please, if you’re a parent who reads this … just let go. I know it’s dangerous. I know it requires trust, both in your kids and in life in general.

Yes, giving your kids actual freedom might get them into serious trouble. It might, god forbid, lead to their death. Life is random and unpredictable, the future is unknown. Some mistakes are so grave you can’t come back from them.

Even then, I’d insist it was the right thing to do.

Because in return for perhaps a slightly increased risk of danger, you give your kid an actual lifetime of happiness and freedom in return. And save yourself endless energy too.

Conclusion

During the article, I’ve mentioned numerous times how much energy and time it drains to attain this control. That is, to me, the surest sign it is wrong.

It is not natural to chase this control. It is not the natural state of the universe to command and penalize yourself or others to be as controlled and structured as possible. That’s why it takes so much energy. As a recent show, which I thought was very good, said: “Control is brittle.”

Freedom … freedom is already there, if you don’t ruin it.

Get up every day, make the best of what that day gives you, then hopefully go to bed exhausted and satisfied.

Try to notice all the minor and major ways in which you try to control stuff. Moments in which you cling onto habits, ideas, thoughts, routines, even when they are clearly fighting against your body, health, the whims of the universe, whatever external forces. Then try to let go of all of that.

Don’t forget the ideas about staying active and not being a pushover. (Draw lines, but they can usually be much less aggressive than you think.)

Try to let go of long-term goals, embracing the short-term activities of each separate day.

And please, for the love of god, do not control other living beings. At least not more than you can reasonably support with strong arguments. Their age doesn’t matter. Guide them, give advice, create a great environment for them. You can accomplish anything you want without clinging to control, and it will be a more satisfying accomplishment born from freedom.

At least, that’s my idea.

Maybe life has something else in store for me next week and I suddenly start doing entirely different work ;)